TEN SIMPLE WAYS TO GET A DIVORCE
... AND TEN WAYS TO AVOID IT  
by Pastor Dennis Inyang

CHAPTER ONE

TAKE YOUR MARRIAGE FOR GRANTED

This is the first and the simplest. It requires no effort at all, no course of action, which is why so many are in it. All you have to do to be in this way is NOTHING. Just turn your attention away from your marriage and let it run itself.

What's marriage anyway? Is it not the wedding? So, make your wedding a carnival. Spend all you have and if it's not enough, borrow to fete the crowd and service a long train. After that, tick your “to-do” list and move on to other things. Project completed!

Those who want to succeed in marriage give their marriage a lot of attention. They work on their marriage. If you want a failed marriage, do no such thing. Why should you allow marriage to distract you from more important things like making money, building a career, raising your children or even working for God?

If your wife is complaining of neglect, do nothing about it. With a little time, she will understand and adjust. If your husband is no more comfortable at home, ignore him. Things will sort themselves out on their own.

To be honest with you, taking your marriage for granted is not all about doing nothing. You can actually do some things, the wrong things with the belief that no matter what you do, your marriage will still be a success. That should include treating your spouse badly, threatening your spouse with divorce and having adulterous relationships.

Surely, your marriage will work without you doing anything about it. Or even when you are doing the wrong things. Why?

•  YOU ARE BORN AGAIN: It's impossible for the marriage of a spirit-filled child of God to fail, isn't it? If things get out of hand, God will personally come and marry your spouse for you, especially since you married in His will.

•  YOU MARRIED SOMEBODY YOU LOVE AND WHO LOVES YOU: Because love never fails, you can go to sleep on your marriage. If you have had feelings for each other, how can you ever have feelings against each other?

•  YOU HAVE NO HISTORY OF DIVORCE IN YOUR FAMILY: That means you are immune to divorce which, like most other terminal illnesses, is genetic. Or isn't it?

•  YOU ARE RICH: Your spouse cannot leave you if you are wealthy. After all, what do women want? Isn't it money? If, as a woman, you are the bread-winner, nothing could be better. Your money is an insurance against divorce.

•  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL: It doesn't matter how badly you behave at home, you beauty will hold the marriage together. Who would divorce a beauty queen?

If you think that way and take your marriage for granted, you are traveling the broadway to divorce

CHAPTER TWO

DON'T TRUST YOUR SPOUSE

A good marriage rests on the foundation of trust – mutual trust – so if you want to ruin your marriage, don't trust your spouse.

Human beings, as you know, are totally untrustworthy. The species called men are worse. They are pathological liars, incapable of telling the truth. Don't believe anything they say. Not that the women are better. Only God knows what those women do behind us.

You know, with such a mid-set about your husband, you will imagine the worst and suspect his every move. What next? Police him!

In certain countries, wives hire private detectives to trail their husbands. Here in Nigeria , we have no such luxury. You may have to police your husband yourself. If you don't know how, the regular police will gladly oblige you with a few tips. But before you get professional help from your friends, the police, here are few general tips from me, free of charge:

•  Get your husband's password and secretly read all his e-mails.

•  Search his drawers, wallets, pockets, etc and read all his letters.

•  Read all his text messages.

•  Rush to take his calls when his phone rings so as to monitor who calls, and embarrass every lady who calls him.

•  Check his call register and call all numbers you don't know to confirm identity of callers.

•  If your husband works late, believe he is having a fling. Call his boss to verify. If he says your husband indeed worked late, give him a piece of your mind. He is an accomplice.

•  If you find your husband with the opposite sex anywhere, accept no explanations. Start a fight or at least a quarrel.

The tips are not only for women. As a man, you can also use them to police your wife. But let me give you some extra.

•  Keep an eye on how your wife spends money. Wives always steal their husband's money to buy clothes and jewelry for themselves and to secretly build mansions for their parents. Ask your wife to give account of every kobo you give to her. Appoint an external auditor to audit it. And believe neither her account nor the auditor's report.

•  If your business runs into a storm or you become seriously ill, the first person to suspect is your wife. The extended family is always useful here. They'll bark first and, with your support, cast the first stone.

These are very powerful tips. They are a perfect recipe for divorce. I doubt if you need the police anymore.

CHAPTER THREE

MAJOR ON MINORS

Did I say major on minors? I beg your pardon. Nothing is really minor in marriage; everything is major. Take, for example, your wife forgetting to serve you with toothpick after a good dinner. Do you call that minor? Of course, not. Blow your top. Raise the roof. Sulk over it for weeks. Boycott meals. And complain to everyone who cares to listen that your wife does not serve you well.

Two men confessed at different fora of how they almost ruined their marriage over how their wives were squeezing out toothpaste from the tube. Each partner claimed to be right and an argument ensued which degenerated into insults and name-calling. Usually, the impact of the verbal missiles flying between the combatants would push the reason for the war into obscurity. When there's cessation of hostilities, husband and wife would wonder what the fight was about.

Yours may not be toothpick, toothpaste or tooth whatever. It could be the way your partner eats or how he or she closes the door. For one couple it was, wait for it, flushing the toilet – please don't laugh! They quarreled so much that the quarrel progressed from the toilet to the parlour and from the parlour to the outside (do you think they told those outside why they were having a fight?). When they got tired of the quarreling, they parted ways.

Marriage freaks will tell you that's a storm in a teacup. But if you want a divorce, a teacup is too big; start a storm even in a teaspoon.

Don't let a joke pass for what it is – a joke. Hang on to every offensive remark that your husband makes and make it a big issue. And vice versa.

If you can always turn every minor disagreement into a major crisis, divorce is not far away.

CHAPTER FOUR

KEEP RECORD OF OFFENCES

Do you know the most important item in a couple's home? A bed? A stove or cooker? A chair? A Bible? The answer is a diary, if you want a divorce that is.

Those who want to destroy their marriage elevate the diary above all else. They may not have a good Bible but must surely have a good diary. For what, you may ask? Not to record appointments and events. They meticulously record all the sins of their spouse, the abuses, misunderstandings and the like, with date, time and even context.

Are you doing the same? Perhaps yours is a mental diary. You are the type that, once your spouse wrongs you, you can never forget. That's good if you are working for a bad marriage. Come to think of it, every time you reel out the record of your spouse's sins whenever you have a misunderstanding, it gives you a psychological advantage, gives your quarrel historical depth as well as supplies you with potent missiles for the kill. And I suppose you are throwing all the missiles because you have no sins.

A couple of years ago, I read that happiness in marriage is a short memory and a big waste paper basket. For those on the way to divorce, it's rather a sharp memory and no waste paper basket. That means, remember every wrong your spouse has done and forgive none.

Why should you forgive anyway? Forgiveness will make you appear weak. So, stand your ground and let nobody take you for a ride.

The word is “revenge”. Don't let your spouse get away with whatever he/she has done wrong. Give it back to him/her. Shout, fight or do whatever you have to do to get even.

Remember, to have a bad marriage it must be insult for insult, abuse for abuse. No offence should go unpunished. Don't turn the other cheek. And accept no apologies.

Finally, listen to gossips about your spouse. Believe the gossips and don't bother to ask him/her. Rather, react like a lady who packed out of her matrimonial home only to discover that what she heard was a ruse. And you will be rewarded with a garland of regrets.

 CHAPTER FIVE

DON'T SPEND MUCH TIME TOGETHER

One of the most important resources God has given to every man is time. How we use it will determine our success or failure in life. Everybody wants to succeed in life. For some, that means climbing the corporate ladder which takes time, skill and energy. For others, it means amassing wealth and, elusive as wealth is, it will also require time, skill and energy. Those who want to fail in marriage therefore give everything to the pursuit of their dreams and have no time for their homes. They neglect their spouses and children. And nothing wears down the immune system of a marriage like a couple being too busy to spend time together.

I have discovered in my few years of counseling with couples that women are voracious consumers of time. That is why love to them is spelt A-T-T-E-N-T-I-O-N. No matter what you buy for them and what you do for them, they still require your time. To deny them time and attention is to jeopardize your marriage.

If you are living in Lagos , Nigeria , you probably understand the value of time more than anybody else. You wake up as early as 4.00am to go to work and return as late as 10.00pm daily. Weekends are equally loaded with social and religious activities. So, you have no time to waste. Possibly, both of you are equally busy. So, what time do you have to sit and stare at each other in juvenile romance?

For the man, whatever little free time you have, spend it with the television. Watch it till your eyelids close and you feel your way to bed like a blind man. Or read books, newspapers, magazines or anything readable and make it impossible for your wife to break into your world. Even the failed attempt must be considered a rude interruption.

The woman has no spare time to spend with her husband. She probably goes to work, keeps the home, cooks, takes care of the children and does sundry other things everybody expects a wife to do.

By the way, there are those who conduct their marriage on telephone. From time to time, they meet and make a baby. Until someday they discover that someone is already in love with the person next door.

If you want to weaken the bond of your marriage, get too busy to spend time with your spouse.  

CHAPTER SIX

ALWAYS BE BLUNT

Nothing puts us into trouble like our mouths. Like someone puts it, the world would be a better place if every mouth carried a padlock. But since the mouth, every mouth, is free, some have deployed their tongues to devastating effect and wrecked their marriage. To put your marriage on cue for divorce, let your tongue also run wild.

Learn to be frank, to call a spade by no fancy name but a spade. If your wife's food doesn't taste fine, tell her right after swallowing the first spoon or spit it out to prove a point. Tell her how bad she cooks and compare her with your mother who is a better cook. Then, wait for her rage.

With age, your wife is going to lose some of her shine just like you'll lose some of your bounce. Point it out to her. Let her know she is now more like a bag of tomatoes than the cute chic you married.

Pull no punches. Practice no diplomacy. And you'll find marriage coasting to the precipice.

Whenever there is an argument, say all your mind. Speak to reflect your hurt. Call your husband names. Abuse him. Use words he will never, never forget. Or do they expect you to pretend?

One more thing for husbands, whenever your wife does something wrong, reprimand her before others. Wash her dirty linen in public. Tongue-lash her before guests and friends. With time, you will have a bumper harvest of resentment. One day she could find the voice and the courage to engage you in an open match. And that, perhaps, would mark the beginning of the end.

Marriages break up more for what couples say to each other than what they do. If you have the habit of saying all that's in your mind without a thought for your spouse's reaction, your marriage will most likely have a short life span.

 CHAPTER SEVEN

PLAY GOD

Wanna play God? Simple: set up a throne in your home; assume absolute authority and demand for worship. As God, you know all things and can never be wrong. Then you'll soon discover that playing God can destroy a harmonious home.

If you are like some men, you probably think that being a man is the same thing as being God. You wish to enjoy unquestionable sovereignty. Your words are law. Your judgments are perfect. Nobody can reason with you because you are the repository of all wisdom and knowledge. You require no suggestions and are not open to any. To offer an unsolicited opinion is to question your self-sufficiency. And you must take great exception to that.

Your wife must worship you. You are not her mate, remember? Even if you are, you are also a man, which makes up for whatever age advantage you lack.

On no account should your wife hold an opinion different from yours. She must not have a mind of her own. If she dares to think it, she must not voice it. That would be questioning your authority.

You know, the moment your wife marries you, she loses the right to have her own dream and seek to live a life that brings her any fulfillment. She lives at your pleasure. You are her Lord.

Who says a woman cannot also play God? You can, especially if you are the one paying the bills. Seize the throne, reduce your husband to a servant and let everyone around know who is in charge.

The final trait of this God-game is that you are infallible – you can never be wrong. Defend your words and actions to the finish. You cannot make a mistake. So, how can you tell your spouse “I am sorry”. How can “God” descend so low?

If that is your mind-set and you are playing God in your marriage, don't expect to have a marriage. Marriage is not for “Gods” but for imperfect men and women.

 CHAPTER EIGHT

SURRENDER YOUR MARRIAGE TO YOUR FAMILY

If you are an African, you will understand this very well. When you marry a wife or to put it properly, when your family marries a wife for you, she is not just your wife but the wife of the family and the entire community. That's why she is called “our wife”. So, surrender your home to your family and let them run your marriage. You will be everybody's good boy. But I'm not sure you'll have a good marriage.

At the beginning of your marriage, take your wife to live in your family home with your parents or fill your home with your relatives. That way you'll not have the privacy to be yourselves and understand each other. She'll be under pressure to perform and impress. If she dares to be herself and perhaps reveals a flaw or two, she'll be demonized and hounded by your tribe.

When you surrender your marriage to be run by your family, they'll try to do a good job. One woman who felt that her daughter-in-law was not living up to expectation visited her son's home and threw out his wife. For a certain man, his younger brother beat up his wife to provide the discipline, which by his judgment, his brother could not. Is that what you want?

One wife valued her mother's opinion on what should be done in her matrimonial home above her husband's and allowed the mother to run her home. It did not end well.

Whenever you have any misunderstanding with your spouse, run to your family and report. Let them settle every quarrel no matter how minor. Empower your family to decide for you. Ask their opinion before taking major decisions or when confronted with the challenges of life. And treat their suggestions a law.

Don't ever disobey your family. When they say you should send away your wife or leave your husband, agree. If you experience delay in having children and the family brings you another wife, co-operate. After all, what God has joined together, the family can put asunder.

Please note, if you want to destroy your marriage, run it according to the dictates of your family. It won't survive for long.

CHAPTER NINE

PLAY DOWN ON SEX

What makes marriage different from every other relationship is sex. If you want to destroy your marriage, play down on sex.

I recall the story of a woman who ran away from her husband. When asked why she did so, she said that he was not taking good care of her. At first, everyone was shocked because it was common knowledge that the husband had provided her with all good things of life. But her husband was a failure in bed. When mediators got to know what she meant, they sympathized with her and charged the man to take better “care” of his wife.

So, if you want your wife to “run away”, don't take “good care” of her. Begin to think that sex is for making babies alone. Make love to her when you want a baby and avoid her when you don't want a baby. Some men, for fear of having unwanted children, abandon their marriage beds to avoid having sex with their wives.

What happens when you have made all your babies? No more sex! Commute the sex energy to more profitable ventures. Or at worst, do a roster and get together once a month.

Here's another powerful secret: make love only when you want. If you don't feel like it, no matter how your spouse begs for it, don't co-operate. It's your body! And whenever you want to make love to your spouse, remember that it's all about you. It's all for your pleasure. Be selfish. If you are satisfied, your partner must be satisfied.

If you are the kind of husband who suddenly falls on his wife and before you can spell “sex” he's had an orgasm, then you are the toast of this chapter. In seconds after your five minutes pleasure trip, you are snoring beside a woman who feels used and abused, and may not sleep all night. Have you ever asked her whether she feels sexually fulfilled?

If indeed, you want a bad marriage don't improve on your sex life. Use the same methods, do the same things and try nothing new. If several years into your marriage there's nothing new, no sense of adventure, both of you will likely get bored. And Satan may find a mind willing to conceive adultery.

Finally, use sex as a weapon against spouse. Whenever you have a misunderstanding, deny your partner sex totally or, if you are a little considerate, ration it. There is no better way for marriage to fall apart.

Several years ago, I was in a couples' meeting, where a man asked the Pastor: “Pastor help! My wife has denied me sex for one year. What should I do?” Everyone in the meeting was shocked. One year? Well, as you can guess, it didn't take long for the marriage to break down.

Often, sex problems in marriage masquerade as other problems because couples don't like to admit they have any problem in that area. Nobody likes to discuss sex openly.

If you want to kill your marriage, don't pay attention to your sex life.

CHAPTER TEN

IF YOU HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM, DON'T SEEK HELP

I hope you already have the law in place: no third party! Let the marriage break up rather than seek help. And it will indeed break up.

To seek help is to admit that you are incapable of managing your home. How can a person of your status stand such indignity?

Who should you ask help from, anyway? There is a dearth of professional marriage counselors around here. What you have are Pastors who wave the Bible before us as a magic wand. Some of them are even too young to know anything about marriage. So, there's really nowhere to get help. In any case, none of those Pastors will support your point of view. They will always find fault with you and correct you. What audacity! That will hurt your pride!

If your husband has turned you into a punching bag, don't breathe a word to your Pastor. When he kills you, your post mortem will reveal the cause of your death.

Somebody prescribed that if you have a marital problem, first talk with God, if it persists, talk with your spouse, and if it refuses to go away, talk with your Pastor. If you follow that prescription then you really don't want a divorce.

A couple had decided to call off their marriage and would have succeeded but for one small mistake – they stopped over to inform me of their decision. Today, they are still husband and wife.

A lady called me on phone to inform me that she was moving out of her matrimonial home that day. After talking with me, she could not.

One couple had actually separated. The wife, with her baggage, merely stopped by our house to inform us she would be gone. That evening we met and chatted on an open field, my wife with her and me with her husband. At the end, they returned home hand in hand.

You see why you shouldn't seek help? If you really want a divorce, live by the golden rule: NO THIRD PARTY.

PART TWO

10 WAYS TO AVOID DIVORCE

“…narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.”

- Matthew 7:14 (NKJV)

If you have read this book to this point, you now know the things that can put your marriage on the road to divorce. If you want to avoid divorce and have a good marriage, do the exact opposite:

•  Place value on your marriage and work hard to make it work.

•  Trust your spouse and make it obvious.

•  Don't let minor disagreements become big issues.

•  Learn to forgive and forget.

•  Spend much time together – as much as possible.

•  Choose your words well and speak the truth in love.

•  Cultivate humility and give your spouse freedom to live.

•  Take responsibility for your home.

•  Have a fulfilling sex life.

•  Don't quit, seek help.

Commit yourself to the above ways and, by the grace of God, divorce will be far from you.